Marauding Hyenas

Posted: August 11, 2011 in Life
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Boyhooooowdy!!

Do you ever feel like you’re in the middle of a windstorm getting tossed around carelessly, aimlessly and having no idea where you’re gonna land?

Yeah… that’s my brain sometimes. It grabs hold of an idea and runs off at about a thousand miles an hour before I can snatch it by the scruff. I got told today by that special butch in my life to “just identify it as something that bothers you and leave it at that.” (for those of you who may not know about butches…well, that’s a whole other post, but for the purpose of this post, I refer to said Handsome Butch as “Hy, Hym, Hys”)

Hmmmm… simple enough to do you’d think. I don’t know what it is about all those old messages in my head that seem to take off running and chanting around some idea (like marauding hyenas) that should be left well enough alone. Hy tells me that I think too much. Uh…yeah… Not sure how to turn that off, other than doing something really physical for like 3 hours until I drop. (pausing here to insert a thought that about physical activity that I won’t share here… laughing to self) I’m a thinker; always have been.

I can resolve a broken nail into the end of the world in 8 steps or less. Dangit, I broke a nail which means I’m going to have to get it fixed but I need to get a new hair dryer, and omigosh there’s only so much money in the bank and goodness knows that I could lose my job and not have insurance anymore and what if I get sick??? You see what I mean here… (that was 6 steps by the way – HA!)

Hys solution? Saying “Oh… you broke a nail, Darlin.” (insert me melting at hys irresistible southern drawl) How does hy do that??

Can somebody tell me where to purchase the button that I can have implanted just behind my ear to shut off those crazy hyenas that escort the end of the world scenarios?? Maybe there’s a video game component that I can just hook up to my brain to blast them…

Anyway…I’m going to implement this practice of simply “identifying” something that bothers me and leaving it at that. Wish me luck! I’m going out now to buy muzzles for the hyenas.

Something New

Posted: July 11, 2011 in Life

A new person in my life stopped by here yesterday and I was reminded that I haven’t posted anything in a while. Thanks for the reminder!

There are dreams that we dream and can’t figure out. I dreamed one night I was looking for someone I couldn’t find. I could feel that person close, but never could quite get there. When I woke, I felt a little lost myself and wasn’t sure what message I was supposed to be getting from it.

I do my best not to question what is brought into my life. I know that each person, each situation, is a gift; a lesson to be learned or taught. I also never take love for granted. When it comes, in whatever form, whether it’s laughing with my best friend, or discovering what I have in common with someone who lives a thousand miles away, or my face being slathered by a rescued puppy’s grateful licks and kisses… love is everywhere. I’m open to it however it comes… even when it scares me silly to think about my heart being broken.

There is always something new to learn…even when we’re not sure what we’re supposed to learn until later.

Namaste ~ J. Jane

Universe vs. God

Posted: March 30, 2011 in Life

I grew up with God in my life. God came in the form of a Babtist church where there was music in the church, but you couldn’t clap afterward and there was no dancing! I had a grandmother who preached from the bible daily and crammed her belief and judgements down my throat to the point that I had to stop being around her. She died a few years ago, and I never said good bye.

She used to make me eat oatmeal with raisins instead of sugar. There were no indulgences. She and her sister made all their own bread, most of their own clothes and she brushed her teeth after every meal and had all of her own teeth until the day she died!

I hadn’t thought about my Grammie in a long time.

Recently someone asked me why I say “Universe”. I suppose I felt like God abandoned me a long time ago. My life has been a maze of self sabotage, self discovery, self loathing… so many things that aren’t good for the self. The truth is, God never abandoned me; I walked away. But God has always been there, that voice whispering in my ear, that gut reaction to something that I didn’t listen to; that calling that I ignored… God’s always been there watching over me as I floundered about thinking I could do it all on my own.

I’ve never been one to read the bible on a regular basis. God isn’t the bible. God for me is that presence that is there in the middle of the night when I’m crying on the bathroom floor because I don’t want to do it alone anymore. I heard that voice say “You’re never alone. I’m always here. Just lean on me.”

I’ve handed a lot over to God lately. Stuff I just can’t carry anymore. Now I know that so many people get squicky when others talk about God. I don’t want to be my Grammie. I just want to recognize where I am and that I believe that God walks with me and watches over me… always.

Sometimes, a day can seem like any other day, but then there is a moment when peace takes over the mind and the heart. For me, sitting on campus in a shady spot watching the squirrels play was one of those moments for me. So many times we get wrapped up in what we have to do and where we have to be, that we forget that peace can truly be found wherever we are… if we let it happen.

Memories can bring moments of peace. My grandfather was one of those people that had a joy in his soul that, no matter where he was in life, it shined in his eyes. He always had a kind, supportive word and his home and garden were forever a safe haven for me as a child. He knew how to make beautiful surroundings, and I have such fond memories of picking fruit from his trees and sitting in their shade for hours eating my fill of plums, cherries, apples and pears. Of course the birds and squirrels loved his garden too!! There was always something yummy to munch in his splendid back yard and they were as welcome as his grandchildren to partake in the bounty.

So, there I was, waiting for class so I could turn in an art history paper that I racked my brain to write. I took a few breaths and looked around me at the huge graceful trees, and I remembered my Papa’s smiling face standing in his back yard, surveying all that he created and treasured… and found a moment of peace. Along with it came a moment of joy watching the squirrels do reconnaissance on a few corn chip crumbs that I had tossed down for them. They dashed away to nibble on their found prizes, and I chuckled out loud as they feasted.

I was comforted in knowing that all was well in my life at that moment. I had everything I needed; a car to get me to school, the ability to finish my paper, the eyesight to let me watch those funny little squirrels, ancestor’s gifts of appreciation and joy, and an open heart to all of the amazing moments that I am graced with in this life.

There is so much for which to be grateful. It’s all a matter of taking the time to actually see it when it’s presented to you.

Being in the Moment

Posted: March 16, 2011 in Life

My son told me I was pretty forgetful lately. Then he said “you just live in the moment, huh? How do you do that?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer. I just said I live in the moment by not worrying about the past or the future. Now, mind you, I’m not always able to do that. I have moments of worry and regret, just like anyone else. I just don’t let them run my life.

I recently had a biopsy on my right breast. I have to say, I was scared pretty much silly. The thought of having cancer scares me! I’m not particularly afraid of dying, but cancer… that scares me! My procedure didn’t go very well. Apparently lidocaine doesn’t process properly on my body and I ended up feeling a great deal of what they were doing. NOT something I want to go through again!! But, it was something that I needed to go through, whether it was to remember how strong I am, or a lesson for someone else. Whatever it was, it’s over now!

I’m fine. It turns out that ink from tattoos can migrate into lymph nodes and it shows up as calcifications. Who knew!! Ladies – DO NOT GET TATTOOS NEAR YOUR BREASTS!!

I told a friend who asked me this morning “what do I do” about a situation she’s experiencing. I told her “Just do what you have to do to just be!”

I’ll see if I can follow my own advice!

J. Jane~

Getting What You Ask For

Posted: February 17, 2011 in Life

Do you ever sit down and look back at a time that you made a request from the universe… and realize that the universe gave it to you? I am so very grateful for my life.

Throwing my arms up – Thank You Universe!!!

J. Jane

Dichotomous Teammates

Posted: February 2, 2011 in Life

My heart has this incongruent feeling of sorrow and warmth at the same time. Life is that way, don’t you know. We walk around with a mish-mash of dichotomous feelings squishing around in our bellies. I like to say hello to them and shake their hands as they pass by, naming them by name. They each have their personalities, and yet work as teammates to get me through the day.

It’s a bit like the handshaking line at the end of a baseball game. Here come the outfielders from the other team: Guilt, Old-message-in-my-head, I’m Not Worthy, Dissatisfaction, Anger, and Vinnie the guy who stands out there and heckles me when I’m happy. And then here come my players – Grief, Logic, Blubbering Emotional Chick (a.k.a PMS veteran-down-in-the-mouth-sappy-ass needs to retire from the game), Happiness, Sorrow, Joy, Pain, and that guy, you know the one whose uniform is covered in dirt from head to toe. That’s Fortitude! Now the MVP’s: Satisfaction, Bliss, Joy, Hunger, Curiosity, and Gratitude, who hit the ball out of the park this week and won out over all the other dissenting voices in my head. Some days, the catcher misses and others the first baseman gets everyone out on the first round.

The way I see it, we’re all teammates, and though I’m the coach (ok maybe the water girl some days), I can’t win this game without all of them doing what they do best, whether it’s holding me up and dousing me in champagne in celebration or giving me a good ass-thumping to teach me a really good lesson.

Thanks Team – keep up the good work!

J. Jane~